Wednesday, June 15, 2011


note to self #101: chip whitley is a beast

With my condolences to those affected by him, jack kelly, author of note to self, has five more poops-worth of comics in a turdbundle he's calling "the cocaine cubby hole." He starts with a comic about the only reason anyone would want to go to Harvard--screw the lineage of prestigious presidents, innovators, and agents of humanity, the only thing Harvard can really boast is that they got Conan. And now, like many a fictitious alumni, Dartmouth can proudly add Conan to their alumni list, too. Dartmouth--which I learned is a member of the Ivy League upon watching my first Ivy League basketball game my Freshman Year at Yale and seeing the nauseous-green D banner sagging sadly in the Payne Whitney Gymnasium's rafters--is like the Harvard of not-really-alumni alumni magnets. And Dartmouth's President Kim is the Harvard of checking his watch just as his honored guest and called-in-favor starts ramping up into the truest parts of his speech. I find myself wondering, would it be worth it going to Dartmouth for four years just to see Conan? Probably. But I went to Yale for four years and saw Conan at Dartmouth live on, no.

note to self #102: doncha wish your girlfriend was?

Well, jack kelly, you at least get points for not using the old "mysterious girlfriend up in Canada" line. And those points are the only thing you'll score.

note to self #103: waking up is hard to do

Oh, jack kelly, you ugly, ugly little thing that is ugly. If you want a friend, buy a dog. And a leash, cuz you know that hound's making a break for it, first chance it gets.

note to self #104: spec

Let me break spec work down for you, jack kelly. Spec(ulation) work is doing art for free for a client on the promise of potential future payment, or for mere exposure. Spec work is like taking an unpaid internship at a company you don't really want to work for, full of people you don't really want to work with, and you don't even get school credit. But they get to do whatever they want with your work and you get to roll over and take it and perpetuate the attitude among clients that art is not worth paying for, particularly when it is being used explicitly for commercial purposes by companies that, if they are seriously endeavoring to be professional, should be able to pay for art as they would pay for a carpenter or chef or whatever for their time.

Often such sucky clients'll ask you to produce one or more free works for them to consider before perhaps picking one of the pieces to perhaps pay for. The best part is seedy clients often pitch spec work to you as if it's something cool and daring, often asking if you're "up to the challenge" of submitting free work to them for the chance that they'll pay you later, if ever, but meanwhile promising you'll earn so much exposure that you'd be STUPID not to submit to them. With that in mind, I bet jack kelly actively works on spec just to spite everyone in the industry. See also this educational film on generally idiotic clients, or as I like to call them, "jack kelly" clients.

note to self #105: so stupid it stings

Come on jack kelly, sure "Walking on the Moon" is kinda mindlessly stupid when you think about it, but man, it sure sounds good, unlike anything that spews out of your horrible apertures, you jealous little sad sack.


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