nts_crackaddledpingpongpaddle

note to self #146: it's only funny when colbert breaks
So here's note to self by jack kelly again, this time with a collection of comics called "crack-addled ping pong paddle." First up is a comic hot on the heels of George Lopez' cancellation, questioning why Jimmy Fallon is still employed. He has never been remarkable, aside from his powers of immunity and of congregating talent that far exceeds his own (minus his writers). So jack kelly wonders why he's still on the air, particularly after his cringe-worthy start has only led to continually cringe-worthy work, with monologues whose finales are dead silence followed by a throw to the Roots and Steve Higgins, the true stars of the show. So why is Jimmy Fallon still on the air after George Lopez was give the boot? Is it because he's white? Because he was picked by Lorne Michaels? Because he's shown radical improvement since he started his show? Goodness no. No, I believe it is because NBC believes in giving their shows time to get their footing. Obviously.

As I understand it, even Conan started out rough for his first few years, so I'm eager to see the sometimes-sparks of Jimmy Fallon's talent make him soar by year five, but still, why are random weirdos on Twitter smoking people who are paid for a living exclusively to write comedy? And why does Jimmy Fallon take every opportunity to incorporate improv over written comedy, thus further strangling his and his writers' development? Who knows, jack kelly! What I do know is this: jack kelly, you are a bitter and ugly creature whose intellectual curiosity is matched only by your stupidity.

note to self #147: rich happy
To be sure, jack kelly, money doesn't buy happiness. It buys convenience. Convenience yields facility. Facility grants happiness. And grants are free! Idiot.

note to self #148: mcolive
Oh, jack kelly, you misguided little toad. It's a commercial on TV, it's not meant to be real. It's like Santa's Workshop at the North Pole. Or Obama. It's not real.

note to self #149: chemistry
Oh jack kelly, the will-they-won't-they tension between your parents is incredible, in that I'm constantly wondering will they or won't they try to smother the other with a pillow while the drowsier spouse sleeps. They say communication is key to a good marriage, but I believe the true key to a good marriage is suspense. It's more than their wedding vows that keeps them together, it's their secret mutual understanding that if one botches a murder attempt on the other, the survivor is then licensed to kill the perpetrator as slowly and as painfully as possible while writing it off as "self-defense." You should be so lucky as to have what they have, jack kelly: an eternal bond that will only be outlasted by an eternal-er bloodfeud.

note to self #150: misery hates company
Oh, jack kelly, you write that and yet you complain when I refuse to tell you which bands I listen to. Why do you think I never let you into my life? Because everything you touch turns to mold. You have the unique quality of making the sweetest sounds turn to salted razor blades scraped, jabbed, and twisted into my eyeballs. So stop pestering me for a mixtape and just assume I listen to all that Little Wizzy Bow Wow Diddy Pitfool stuff people my age listen to. Prolly accurate. Freaking rap, man.

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nts_koolaidsmonkey

note to self #141: clear your throat and stop shouting
The author of note to self, jack kelly, insists that I run his hideous comics, under the banner of "kool-aids monkey," so here we go. First is a comic about the eyeball-bulging de facto epitome of Hispanic entertainer, George Lopez (seen here being an arrogant and ignorant cartoon character made of smoked and tenderized flesh) recently getting canceled. As a Mexican-American, I will sorely miss George Lopez as he was the only person of my kind starring on comedic TV, assuming both that his show counts as comedic TV and that I'm in any way sincere about this sentence, which I'm not.

I literally had a dream where I got in an argument with someone who tried to tell me I should support George Lopez over Conan just because we share an ethnic background, regardless of how pandering and cringe-inducingly embarrassing the George Lopez talk show was. I was arguing so furiously in my dream that I woke myself up. Which is ironic because the Lopez show tends to put you to sleep (if you can tune out the phlegm-graveled, constantly shouting voice and alarming sudden movements.)

Anyway, although it's a shame a human and the humans around him are losing their jobs, on the bright side, maybe George Lopez will now drop his astounding arrogance, learn that he is as far from being a national treasure as Woody Allen is from being father of the year, and hopefully he'll even go hack up whatever's been gurgling in his throat for the past two years.

But enough about the loss of a high profile Hispanic in mainstream media, now where is that new multi-ethnic Spider-Man produced by an all-white creative team I've heard so much about? My people have finally made it so obviously I just gotta buy it! Viva la raza!

note to self #142: oh how it stings
The only reason I'd ever go to the beach was because there was just the ever-so-slight chance that jack kelly would get stung by a jellyfish and I'd get to pee on him. Now what am I to do with jack kelly? Apple juice pranks, I guess.

note to self #143: raise your hand if you killed osama
Oh, jack kelly, again with the pretending you follow politics. Be honest, the only reason you have an opinion in this election cycle is because you can easily differentiate one candidate from the pack at a glance, much in the same way cops can differentiate me from a crowd of Yalies at a glance and just ask me for ID even though I'm clearly with my alabaster associates. And come on, jack kelly, you know if you had unlimited money, you'd just spend it on cutting edge research to figure out how to make poor people somehow have even less money, as any good rich person should do. Or at least you'd lobby to keep your rich-person tax cuts as if it were something righteous.

note to self #144: code black

Please, jack kelly, leave the ultra edgy jokes to the professionals. Like Tracy Morgan. He knows what's up.

note to self #145: why are you telling me this?
Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if you didn't exist, jack kelly.

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nts_extracowfart

note to self #136: well-spoken
Despite my every endeavor, jack kelly, author of note to self returns with more ugly comics, in a package he's calling, "extra cow fart." Up first is a comic where jack kelly pretends to have any understanding of US politics, despite being an illiterate migrant worker who spends most of his time baking in the summer heat of Southern California farmland as he sweatily harvests his daily quota of post-it notes. In reality, all he knows is that Jon Stewart is disappointed in Obama but refuses to hammer him as much as the blatant failure Stewart would giddily declare Bush to be. Have the presidents' failings been commensurate? Who knows! I don't vote. But if I did, I would be so upset that Obama lets a greedy minority get their way, particularly when that minority is comprised of sickeningly wealthy people who have been content to hoard their money rather than help as they know they can and ought to.

note to self #137: good job, sherlock
I don't get it, jack kelly, are you telling me that you, an ignorant hillbilly-person whom in-bred and Oedipally-charged Appalachians look down on, didn't need a Yale-funded study to know that "product placements in TV shows enable advertisers to reach large audiences without them recognizing it as advertising"? What? Get out of here! Really?! Stop lying, jack kelly, you filthy, lying liar!

note to self #138: forget about mo from guts
Ok, first of all, jack kelly, leave Mo, GUTS, and the "glowing piece of their awesome rock" out of this. Now look, although I can't vouch for all the celebrities listed, I can vouch for John "Luigi" Leguizamo's whereabouts. He's currently starring in reruns of that one episode of My Name Is Earl that guest-stars John "Luigi" Leguizamo and is mainly kept busy by my daily viewings of Executive Decision on VHS. As for Jake Lloyd, the kid who yippie'd his way into America's cholesterol-clogged heart as boy Anakin Skywalker, I have it on good authority that he's most often found snorting powdered DVDs of Jingle All the Way behind that seedy Denny's in West Hollywood while waiting vigilantly for Schwarzenegger's secret baby to not return his phonecalls.

note to self #139: complaints i don't get
Oh come on, jack kelly, don't be an idiot, Arrested Development is that one show that everybody who likes comedy loves. You know, it stars a lot of presently successful white people who are involved in funny things you pretend to also like. Come on, jack kelly, you know the show I'm talking about! It's like that other legendary-yet-cancelled show whose stars have since found great success, Freaks and Geeks. So good. Love that show. It was a show, right? Movie! I love that movie.

note to self #140: make you say ohmmm
How dare you badmouth David Letterman, jack kelly, you untalented has-been who refuses to innovate and is content to rest on what mysteriously-gotten laurels you seem to have. Who would dare admit to Letterman's present lack of vitality, let alone assert that he was never worth reverence in the first place? That's right, you would, jack kelly, because you are stupid and don't know what's funny. Idiot. Now shut up, jack kelly, I've got a Nerdist podcast to listen to and I don't want to miss a single one of his frequent dictionary-based associations or 80s pop culture references, which I understand is modern comedy awesomeness epic so good nice.

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nts_obeseanorexics

note to self #131: boxcar
That hideous scar on the comics landscape, jack kelly, is back with more note to self in a bundle entitled "obese anorexics." Did you have a good Comic-Con, jack kelly? A-bup-bup! Not another word, my good man, rest assured--I don't care! Also, stop criticizing boxing and NASCAR fans. Their interests are just as valuable to the American fabric as any other. I mean without boxing or NASCAR, how would brain-dead yokels entertain themselves? No, no, besides Family Guy. Exactly--it's like enjoying a Seth MacFarlane show, except with the fringe benefit that inevitably the beer-chugging constituents will soon enough come to fisticuffs and enable some voluntary herd-thinning in the invariably ensuing brawl. It's Darwinism at its Ed-Hardy-bedazzled finest, jack kelly.

note to self #132: rap must end
jack kelly, I don't know where you get off making a slight against rap. It's a perfectly valid and valuable art form. That's right, ART form. If it weren't for rap, how would I ever be able to publicly and rhythmically voice my utter contempt and sub-human estimation of women? That's right. Rap music. Thank you, Kool Herc!

note to self #133: trigonometry
Oh, jack kelly, you miserable wretch, you're just jealous that a 12 year old can find the surface area of a rhombus and you can't. Loser. Also, what's a rhombus? That's a thing, right?

note to self #134: diversity
What a heartwarming message, jack kelly: verily, all shapes and sizes can be punched in the neck by testosterone-addled jocks. Also, I don't know how, but I'm pretty sure that was a racist joke, jack kelly, and that's something I cannot stand for. If I do, the Mexicans will steal my chair.

note to self #135: logos
You're one to talk, jack kelly. You're too stupid to draw good. Or something. Cow fart.

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nts_kareemabduljabberwockytalkie

 

note to self #126: gangsta
jack kelly is the untalented author of note to self and he has some comics for you, in a set he's calling "kareem abdul jabberwocky talkie." Real original. That was sarcasm, jack kelly, you worthless sack. Look, I don't have time for you right now, it's time for Comic-Con, so you're on your own for the rest of this post.

note to self #127: small talk

 

note to self #128: rivercrest

 

note to self #129: vhs

 

note to self #130: word

Y eso es la palabra.

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nts_tigerbeatcoverboy

note to self #121: not voltaire
It's jack kelly, author of note to self with some comics under the banner of "tigerbeatcoverboy." Up first is a comic about jack kelly's cowardly, cowardly cowardice. He talks a big game, but you know he's all about fascism when push comes to shove (he bruises easily).

note to self #122: period

Nice, jack kelly, way to disrespect the common agony of women by voluntarily taking on a similar burden, as if to flaunt your ability to escape that red-soaked fate whenever you wish.

note to self #123: spoiled

Oh, jack kelly, I bet you slay all the ladies with your bacterial contamination, you diseased vector, you.

note to self #124: protest

Come on, jack kelly, just because Yale is a worldwide leader in discourse and education doesn't mean it should also be a bastion for free speech, idiot; don't be so narrow-minded.

note to self #125: my hip
I bet you think you're clever, jack kelly, but you're not. You're like...something...that isn't clever. Like a hipster's idiotic photography, for instance.

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nts_obesefecespieces

note to self #116: scumbags
So here's jack kelly, author of note to self with a collection of comics under the theme of "obese feces pieces." First is a comic about lit majors. What an absolute waste of time and talent, amirite? What kind of intellectually selfish, ego-maniacal tool studies lit theory rather than something productive to humanity like a science. Or Egyptology.

note to self #117: one hit one derr
Please, jack kelly, spare us all and leave the masculinist humor to the professionals.

note to self #118: priorities
Please, jack kelly, spare us all and leave the scatological humor to the professionals.

note to self #119: socball
Look, jack kelly, just because you don't like soccer, that's no reason to zzzzzzzz.

note to self #120: celebrate idiocy
Sorry, jack kelly, you know I always fall asleep whenever we talk sports. Now where were we? Oh, yeah! How dare you insult such magnificent artists as Roman Polanski and Woody Allen? They're bringing art into the world (admittedly amongst other...things). But make no mistake, what Congressman Weiner did was unforgivable.

Maybe if the congressman would have spent less time endeavoring to get childishly stubborn Republicans to vote to approve a humane compensation bill for 9/11 victims or getting childishly stubborn adults to acknowledge their active refusal to do their jobs properly, and instead would have focused on making movies to dazzle the masses, then perhaps he'd get to keep his career. It's not like he's entertaining us, jack kelly, he's just trying to advocate for humanity and justice for people he's never even met. Screw him. Besides, jack kelly, it's not even like he was injecting himself upon young girls or anything so prestigious, he was sending pictures of himself to girls who were flirting with him online. Big difference, jack kelly, you delusional moron.

How many times do I have to tell you? It's simple: if you assault a girl barely into her teens, you get Oscars, pardons, and international renown; if you cheat on your girlfriend with her daughter barely out of her teens, you get Oscars, clarinet solos, and international renown; if you tweet pictures of yourself to flirts, you lose everything. Simple. Look, jack kelly I get that you have some demented desire to defend someone who's affecting reality more directly and more actively than any movie ever could, but face facts: Congressman Weiner is a scumbag who could have avoided all these problems if he just would have worn a director's beret while sending creepy pictures of himself to people. Stop being such a short-sighted idiot and blindly defending him, all right?

Now c'mon, jack kelly, let's agree to disagree already; I gotta go--I'm missing the Jeffrey Jones marathon on TV. That dude is such a great actor.

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nts_horrormovieblackguy

note to self #111: no kids' behind left
Well, jack kelly, author of note to self has some more horrific comics, this week's installment being called "horror movie black guy." The first scrawling is about jack kelly's aspirations to become a modern-day teacher, which is to say, he wants to sit around screaming at kids all day, clock out, collect a check, buy video games, and then go home to play Xbox online so he can scream at 12-year-old Korean boys--who are pwning him hardcore (natch)--about how much he hates the idiot American kids he has to teach all day. It's the circle of strife. And it moves us all.

note to self #112: peanut better and yalie
Oh, jack kelly, how delusional are you? Where do you get off feeling superior to anyone? I've dropped turds more valuable than you. Seriously--I had swallowed a quarter earlier and it was wedged in the dooky.

note to self #113: ender's got game
Good job, jack kelly. Do you think you're tough by making allusions to the grittiest parts of classic sci-fi literature? Don't for a second even try to act like you're any sort of tough guy. I've seen you tear up during a popcorn commercial. And geez, I didn't realize you were from the deep south with that latter character's revelation. I bet your Valentine's Days are pretty sick. And I don't mean cool-sick, you creep.

note to self #114: thus steroids
I see, jack kelly, your psychological problems stem from your hideously anti-Kodiak memories of your father. No, no, it's cool. Really. Paternal angst is so in this year/generation.

note to self #115: jocks know the score
Come now, jack kelly, athletes at Yale on massive-rostered teams that spend hours upon hours together daily are just as prone to bouts of depression as potent as any undergone by isolated comicsers who only have at-best-apathetic "colleagues" who only draw to kill time between classes. Sure athletes have personal resources in coaches and teammates whom they interact with continuously every day and everywhere, on and off the field, but these gregarious extroverts can feel entirely as out of place and lonely during the two hours a day they aren't wearing coordinated outfits with fifty other dudes or clashing their bodies against their pals or throwing back brewskies with their broskies. Sitting in a room wondering where life went off the rails for you as you draw yourself into oblivion like an alcoholic on a bender is nothing. NOTHING. Give yourself a reality check before you mouth off next time, jack kelly, you insensitive idiot.

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nts_ikilledtupacshakur

note to self #106: ceo of what?
Despite my wishes otherwise, jack kelly, author of note to self, has five more ugly comiclings to debut, which he's calling "i killed tupac shakur." First up is a comic about jack kelly, a talentless Yale admit-mistake, wishing he could be more successful relatively right after graduation and then pouting about it, expecting my sympathy. Way to go, jack kelly, you weren't satisfied just getting into a university people literally torture their children to get into, but now you throw a hissy fit when you aren't then immediately thrust into the pinnacles of post-graduate success? How spoiled and entitled are you, jack kelly? What are you, white? I know how you grew up, jack kelly, it was beans, rice, and tortillas (with cheese, if you're lucky) every day before Yale, and guess what, you wetback hack, it's right back to the Taco Bell-sponsored projects with you. Don't look at me like that, jack kelly, you know you're not supposed to amount to a hill of beans.

note to self #107: racist joke
Aww snap, here comes jack kelly with the racist jokes. I'll be writing an angry letter to your editor, you know that, right? This is a high class website, you turd-monkey, and I won't stand for your reprehensible content. Last time I checked, jack kelly, you were neither black nor white, so I don't know where you get off making jokes about those fine, succulent, juicy races. You racist, uh...racist.

note to self #108: disappointment
Oh jack kelly, please stop acting like anything is owed to you after graduating Yale, I mean, as we just established in the previous comic commentary, you aren't white, so get off your high, white horse. Take your crippled place in society and like it, jack kelly. Love it. Stew with bitter anger and regret at everything you could have been, should have been, but never will be, but don't for a moment dare to complain about it to me or your entirely successful and luminously white college roommates, even in jest. How else can I spell it out for you, jack kelly? If I wanted to hear about an Ivy Leauguer who has had a rough past year, I'd listen to Conan. Are you Conan, jack kelly? No. So shut your mouth. And pass me a burrito.

note to self #109: the barber's unhappiness
Oh, jack kelly, stop masquerading behind old Matches song titles with your racist tirades. Be up front with your racism. Like this racist guy, HE has the guts to lay it all out there with his ever-spewing racism. Go big or go home, jack kelly, a home which I would assume is some kind of run down van on the US-Mexico border that houses you and your 17 brothers and sisters before your daily Kessel Run to a Home Depot parking lot. Unless of course you're on lookout duty for La Migra, in which case you're probably hiding outside your shabby cab, near a cactus, wearing a giant sombrero and a big, shiny mustache wondering how your unwed girlfriend is doing as she quietly heaves inside the van, popping out her fifth baby by an unconfirmed father. Racist.

note to self #110: cute couple
How dare you attack true love, you jealous hunk of coal, jack kelly! Who cares about the sordid circumstances that preceded their beautiful public union? They're happy now, so it doesn't even matter anymore! The past is the past, so long as we choose to turn a blind eye as we hurl in digust in the other direction. And don't even think about touching Roman Polanski next, you sicko. Besides, only Roman Polanski does the touching around these parts. And that guy from Beetlejuice. Wait, what was I talking about again? Never mind, I forget. Hey, let's watch Annie Hall again, jack kelly! I could go for a super depressing "comedy" right about now. To make it extra sad, let's rent it at Blockbuster. On VHS.

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nts_thecocainecubbyhole

note to self #101: chip whitley is a beast
With my condolences to those affected by him, jack kelly, author of note to self, has five more poops-worth of comics in a turdbundle he's calling "the cocaine cubby hole." He starts with a comic about the only reason anyone would want to go to Harvard--screw the lineage of prestigious presidents, innovators, and agents of humanity, the only thing Harvard can really boast is that they got Conan. And now, like many a fictitious alumni, Dartmouth can proudly add Conan to their alumni list, too. Dartmouth--which I learned is a member of the Ivy League upon watching my first Ivy League basketball game my Freshman Year at Yale and seeing the nauseous-green D banner sagging sadly in the Payne Whitney Gymnasium's rafters--is like the Harvard of not-really-alumni alumni magnets. And Dartmouth's President Kim is the Harvard of checking his watch just as his honored guest and called-in-favor starts ramping up into the truest parts of his speech. I find myself wondering, would it be worth it going to Dartmouth for four years just to see Conan? Probably. But I went to Yale for four years and saw Conan at Dartmouth live on Youtube...so, no.

note to self #102: doncha wish your girlfriend was?
Well, jack kelly, you at least get points for not using the old "mysterious girlfriend up in Canada" line. And those points are the only thing you'll score.

note to self #103: waking up is hard to do
Oh, jack kelly, you ugly, ugly little thing that is ugly. If you want a friend, buy a dog. And a leash, cuz you know that hound's making a break for it, first chance it gets.

note to self #104: spec
Let me break spec work down for you, jack kelly. Spec(ulation) work is doing art for free for a client on the promise of potential future payment, or for mere exposure. Spec work is like taking an unpaid internship at a company you don't really want to work for, full of people you don't really want to work with, and you don't even get school credit. But they get to do whatever they want with your work and you get to roll over and take it and perpetuate the attitude among clients that art is not worth paying for, particularly when it is being used explicitly for commercial purposes by companies that, if they are seriously endeavoring to be professional, should be able to pay for art as they would pay for a carpenter or chef or whatever for their time.

Often such sucky clients'll ask you to produce one or more free works for them to consider before perhaps picking one of the pieces to perhaps pay for. The best part is seedy clients often pitch spec work to you as if it's something cool and daring, often asking if you're "up to the challenge" of submitting free work to them for the chance that they'll pay you later, if ever, but meanwhile promising you'll earn so much exposure that you'd be STUPID not to submit to them. With that in mind, I bet jack kelly actively works on spec just to spite everyone in the industry. See also this educational film on generally idiotic clients, or as I like to call them, "jack kelly" clients.

note to self #105: so stupid it stings
Come on jack kelly, sure "Walking on the Moon" is kinda mindlessly stupid when you think about it, but man, it sure sounds good, unlike anything that spews out of your horrible apertures, you jealous little sad sack.

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