Despite my every endeavor, jack kelly, author of note to self returns with more ugly comics, in a package he's calling, "extra cow fart." Up first is a comic where jack kelly pretends to have any understanding of US politics, despite being an illiterate migrant worker who spends most of his time baking in the summer heat of Southern California farmland as he sweatily harvests his daily quota of post-it notes. In reality, all he knows is that Jon Stewart is disappointed in Obama but refuses to hammer him as much as the blatant failure Stewart would giddily declare Bush to be. Have the presidents' failings been commensurate? Who knows! I don't vote. But if I did, I would be so upset that Obama lets a greedy minority get their way, particularly when that minority is comprised of sickeningly wealthy people who have been content to hoard their money rather than help as they know they can and ought to.
I don't get it, jack kelly, are you telling me that you, an ignorant hillbilly-person whom in-bred and Oedipally-charged Appalachians look down on, didn't need a Yale-funded study to know that "product placements in TV shows enable advertisers to reach large audiences without them recognizing it as advertising"? What? Get out of here! Really?! Stop lying, jack kelly, you filthy, lying liar!
Ok, first of all, jack kelly, leave Mo, GUTS, and the "glowing piece of their awesome rock" out of this. Now look, although I can't vouch for all the celebrities listed, I can vouch for John "Luigi" Leguizamo's whereabouts. He's currently starring in reruns of that one episode of My Name Is Earl that guest-stars John "Luigi" Leguizamo and is mainly kept busy by my daily viewings of Executive Decision on VHS. As for Jake Lloyd, the kid who yippie'd his way into America's cholesterol-clogged heart as boy Anakin Skywalker, I have it on good authority that he's most often found snorting powdered DVDs of Jingle All the Way behind that seedy Denny's in West Hollywood while waiting vigilantly for Schwarzenegger's secret baby to not return his phonecalls.
Oh come on, jack kelly, don't be an idiot, Arrested Development is that one show that everybody who likes comedy loves. You know, it stars a lot of presently successful white people who are involved in funny things you pretend to also like. Come on, jack kelly, you know the show I'm talking about! It's like that other legendary-yet-cancelled show whose stars have since found great success, Freaks and Geeks. So good. Love that show. It was a show, right? Movie! I love that movie.
How dare you badmouth David Letterman, jack kelly, you untalented has-been who refuses to innovate and is content to rest on what mysteriously-gotten laurels you seem to have. Who would dare admit to Letterman's present lack of vitality, let alone assert that he was never worth reverence in the first place? That's right, you would, jack kelly, because you are stupid and don't know what's funny. Idiot. Now shut up, jack kelly, I've got a Nerdist podcast to listen to and I don't want to miss a single one of his frequent dictionary-based associations or 80s pop culture references, which I understand is modern comedy awesomeness epic so good nice.