Wednesday, August 17, 2011


note to self #146: it's only funny when colbert breaks

So here's note to self by jack kelly again, this time with a collection of comics called "crack-addled ping pong paddle." First up is a comic hot on the heels of George Lopez' cancellation, questioning why Jimmy Fallon is still employed. He has never been remarkable, aside from his powers of immunity and of congregating talent that far exceeds his own (minus his writers). So jack kelly wonders why he's still on the air, particularly after his cringe-worthy start has only led to continually cringe-worthy work, with monologues whose finales are dead silence followed by a throw to the Roots and Steve Higgins, the true stars of the show. So why is Jimmy Fallon still on the air after George Lopez was give the boot? Is it because he's white? Because he was picked by Lorne Michaels? Because he's shown radical improvement since he started his show? Goodness no. No, I believe it is because NBC believes in giving their shows time to get their footing. Obviously.

As I understand it, even Conan started out rough for his first few years, so I'm eager to see the sometimes-sparks of Jimmy Fallon's talent make him soar by year five, but still, why are random weirdos on Twitter smoking people who are paid for a living exclusively to write comedy? And why does Jimmy Fallon take every opportunity to incorporate improv over written comedy, thus further strangling his and his writers' development? Who knows, jack kelly! What I do know is this: jack kelly, you are a bitter and ugly creature whose intellectual curiosity is matched only by your stupidity.

note to self #147: rich happy

To be sure, jack kelly, money doesn't buy happiness. It buys convenience. Convenience yields facility. Facility grants happiness. And grants are free! Idiot.

note to self #148: mcolive

Oh, jack kelly, you misguided little toad. It's a commercial on TV, it's not meant to be real. It's like Santa's Workshop at the North Pole. Or Obama. It's not real.

note to self #149: chemistry

Oh jack kelly, the will-they-won't-they tension between your parents is incredible, in that I'm constantly wondering will they or won't they try to smother the other with a pillow while the drowsier spouse sleeps. They say communication is key to a good marriage, but I believe the true key to a good marriage is suspense. It's more than their wedding vows that keeps them together, it's their secret mutual understanding that if one botches a murder attempt on the other, the survivor is then licensed to kill the perpetrator as slowly and as painfully as possible while writing it off as "self-defense." You should be so lucky as to have what they have, jack kelly: an eternal bond that will only be outlasted by an eternal-er bloodfeud.

note to self #150: misery hates company

Oh, jack kelly, you write that and yet you complain when I refuse to tell you which bands I listen to. Why do you think I never let you into my life? Because everything you touch turns to mold. You have the unique quality of making the sweetest sounds turn to salted razor blades scraped, jabbed, and twisted into my eyeballs. So stop pestering me for a mixtape and just assume I listen to all that Little Wizzy Bow Wow Diddy Pitfool stuff people my age listen to. Prolly accurate. Freaking rap, man.


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