Wednesday, August 10, 2011


note to self #141: clear your throat and stop shouting

The author of note to self, jack kelly, insists that I run his hideous comics, under the banner of "kool-aids monkey," so here we go. First is a comic about the eyeball-bulging de facto epitome of Hispanic entertainer, George Lopez (seen here being an arrogant and ignorant cartoon character made of smoked and tenderized flesh) recently getting canceled. As a Mexican-American, I will sorely miss George Lopez as he was the only person of my kind starring on comedic TV, assuming both that his show counts as comedic TV and that I'm in any way sincere about this sentence, which I'm not.

I literally had a dream where I got in an argument with someone who tried to tell me I should support George Lopez over Conan just because we share an ethnic background, regardless of how pandering and cringe-inducingly embarrassing the George Lopez talk show was. I was arguing so furiously in my dream that I woke myself up. Which is ironic because the Lopez show tends to put you to sleep (if you can tune out the phlegm-graveled, constantly shouting voice and alarming sudden movements.)

Anyway, although it's a shame a human and the humans around him are losing their jobs, on the bright side, maybe George Lopez will now drop his astounding arrogance, learn that he is as far from being a national treasure as Woody Allen is from being father of the year, and hopefully he'll even go hack up whatever's been gurgling in his throat for the past two years.

But enough about the loss of a high profile Hispanic in mainstream media, now where is that new multi-ethnic Spider-Man produced by an all-white creative team I've heard so much about? My people have finally made it so obviously I just gotta buy it! Viva la raza!

note to self #142: oh how it stings

The only reason I'd ever go to the beach was because there was just the ever-so-slight chance that jack kelly would get stung by a jellyfish and I'd get to pee on him. Now what am I to do with jack kelly? Apple juice pranks, I guess.

note to self #143: raise your hand if you killed osama

Oh, jack kelly, again with the pretending you follow politics. Be honest, the only reason you have an opinion in this election cycle is because you can easily differentiate one candidate from the pack at a glance, much in the same way cops can differentiate me from a crowd of Yalies at a glance and just ask me for ID even though I'm clearly with my alabaster associates. And come on, jack kelly, you know if you had unlimited money, you'd just spend it on cutting edge research to figure out how to make poor people somehow have even less money, as any good rich person should do. Or at least you'd lobby to keep your rich-person tax cuts as if it were something righteous.

note to self #144: code black

Please, jack kelly, leave the gay jokes to the professionals. Like Tracy Morgan. He knows what's up.

note to self #145: why are you telling me this?

Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if you didn't exist, jack kelly.


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