Wednesday, April 13, 2011


note to self #57: fallon hard times

Unfortunately note to self by the hideous jack kelly, returns with a now increased output of five comics per week, this episode being collectively called "fat girls wearing prada." jack kelly opens with a comic that is his poor attempt at being politically aware, but be honest, jack kelly, all you know of politics is what Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Conan O'Brien, and Jimmy Fallon approve of you to know about. I double dog dare you to argue otherwise, jack kelly.

note to self #58: kickball

Oh jack kelly, aren't you witty? There's nothing more important than family, you toolbag. If you had a loving, supporting family, maybe you'd understand that, but as I understand it you were raised by wolves shortly before they gave up on you and chucked you into an adoption agency. Err...the city dump. I always get those two confused.

note to self #59: james franco is irritating as heck

Oh, please, jack kelly, don't even try to pretend you've never smoked meat cigars before. And no, that's not innuendo--jack kelly has literally smoked cigars made of human meats. It was part of that whole Yale thing. You know.

note to self #60: jack white is just okay

Oh, jack kelly, you rich, entitled bat turd. If you had any idea what it was like to actually yearn for the money that would simply grant you the non-luxury of merely the peace of mind that nobody is hounding after you and incessantly demanding revenues of you that you couldn't ever hope to satisfy, MAYBE then you can make jokes about money. But until then, shut your mouth. That gaping hole in your head just makes hobos want to pee in it.

note to self #61: cover me i'm going in

Very tactful, jack kelly. Why don't you try putting actual effort into getting a job? Obviously you went to Yale and anybody would be lucky to have your brilliance on their community-college-educated staff of pencil pushers, whose souls have long since been crushed into tear-laced pixie dust. But put on a smile when you apply to these positions you merely humor with an application--they think you're seriously applying, so act like you're seriously applying: you want to join their team of merry jackmonkeys who can only regurgitate Daily Show soundbites and blockbuster 3D movie catchphrases as a mark of their cleverness, who can expound the Shakespearean merits of reality TV, and who categorize everything positive as "epic" and everything negative as "teh suck." You should be so lucky to join their ranks. Idiot. Now turn that constipated frown upside down and apply to more jobs that you'd feel almost more suicidal about were they to hire you than reject you. Not that you aren't anything but a reject, you sad sack of urine. Now get out of my sight.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i spent the greater part of this morning's brunch reading rumpus, and i have to say this is far, far wittier. keep up the good work reuben!