Wednesday, May 18, 2011


note to self #81: inferiority

To my personal lament, jack kelly, author of note to self, releases this latest alleged attempt at humor in a bundle entitled "disney's tyler perry." Up first is a comic that only draws further attention to the fact that regardless of how much we may hate Harvard, our hatred of Harvard will never eclipse our hatred of ourselves for our inability to get into Harvard. On the bright side, nothing prepares you for a lifelong love of failure and compliance like failing to get into Harvard and complying on settling for Yale, the beacon of second-place finishers and world-class would-be's. While the non-Ivy-educated masses may ooh and awe at our Yale diplomas, we Yalies are forever cursed with the knowledge that any knowledge we have is only slightly as good as the knowledge we could have attained at Harvard had we actually gotten into Harvard. As Yale University President Richard "Not as Rich as Harvard's President" Levin despondently bellowed to us on graduation day, to reluctantly ford us out into the world, "Yes, we're Yale, but also, we're not Harvard." Indeed, I've never forgotten those sage words, and I chant them daily as I contemplate how much life has trailed off into despair and frustrated futility since the (admittedly limited) auspiciousness of Freshman Year at Yale gave way to increasingly diminutive promise of a successful, happy post-college life.

Speaking of which, please give me a job because I'm smarter than you.*

*Unless you went to Harvard, in which case, I beg you please forgive my impudence.

note to self #82: superhero shonen

If this comic proves anything, it's that there are only two types of comics in the US: "anime" comics and superhero comics, or as I like to call the latter: "ugly" comics. Is it wrong to insist that comics extend beyond the kiddie sandbox of two (or three if you want to be generous) prototypical characters that were designed closer than ever to a century ago for the children and the illiterates of that time? Reject these stale archetypes, America. Embrace the characters designed for the Japanese children of only a couple decades ago! Only then will you understand what the medium of comics is truly capable of, rather than wasting your life away embracing the regurgitation of the regurgitation of regurgitated ideas. So grab your ragtag group of five or so friends (making sure to include at least one girl) and your favorite cockfighting creatures (including the especially cute yellow one that you arbitrarily treat more favorably than all the others), and go on an adventure into the untamed wilds of the infinite possibilities presented in shonen manga while you strive to become the greatest comics connoisseur in the world! And don't forget to hit up the hot springs. Every series has to include a hot springs episode. Hot springs are to manga what false deaths are to Marvel.

note to self #83: latinerds

Oh, jack kelly, you sly little racist, you. Did you really think I wouldn't catch that slight against my people? How dare you insist that me and my fellow mud-hued cockroaches can't be taught by anything but the streets, homes? Okay, fine, the streets and Edward James Olmos' fingers. Now if we can please hurry it up with your stupid comics, I have several episodes of George Lopez's hilarious late night talkshow on my DVR that I need to watch and loaves of Bimbo bread that I need to eat while I listen to blond, blue-eyed women scream at each other nonsensically in Spanish on any given Telemundo show as Don Fransisco's chin lard jiggles along.

note to self #84: family matters

So now you're into audio-literary voyeurism, are you, jack kelly? How about you stick to your own bee's wax and not listen in on people while they destroy their lives and their hitherto lifelong relationships with their incessantly idiotic interactions that defy the limits of illogicality with each additional syllable they exchange? If you don't have the guts to step in and advocate for a quick and obvious resolution to their pitiful squabbling, why don't you just keep your mouth and ears shut, and most importantly, how about you not write about their over-dramatized trivial problems in your stupid little cartoons for people to likewise anonymously leer over? There's something called tact, jack kelly, give it a try. See also: sterilization.

note to self #85: dog problems

Oh, jack kelly, I bet you think you're just terrifically insightful, right? Well I can see right through that poorly drawn yellow head of yours. And for the last time, you're not impressing anyone with your knowledge of advanced psychological terminology like "butt-clenchingly evil." I took Intro Psych, too, ya know. And if anyone's butt-clenching around here, it's you, you butt-clenched butt clencher. Now go clench your butt out of my face.


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