Wednesday, May 4, 2011


note to self #71: physical

Unfortunately, jack kelly, of note to self, has not been shot in the eye, so his comics return for yet another go, starting with an absolutely disgusting peek into the private life of the life of privates. For the record, I've long held that jack kelly is like so much malignant matter, in that he needs to be sliced off of this website. However, I cannot afford health insurance, so that operation is still many payments away. Someday...

note to self #72: skype

And once again jack kelly strives to make wretched a perfectly wonderful service. Don't worry jack kelly, nobody's lining up for instant access to talk to you, least of all clients--and let's not even get into what kind of clients we're talking about here. Now go googlewhack your Wii because that tamagotchi hotmail won't won't let you digg his motherboard's xbox till it tweets. No, jack kelly, not even I know what I'm talking about anymore. But the important thing is that you do, so I think less of you as a result. Freaking creep.

note to self #73: abstinence

Oh, jack kelly, I am positive you would cry yourself to sleep regardless of your personal circumstances. You're only using the fact that you are a cold, lonely soul as a cover, I'm sure, but let's be honest, you have the warmth of an Otter Pop and just as much nutritional value. You will die alone, save for the coat of urine that will seep into the earth above your grave, the supply of which I will personally assure.

note to self #74: cookie jar

So the truth comes out, jack kelly, you are an anti-social toad because even from a young age you avoided all sorts of interpersonal connection, under the veiled guise of so-called satire and comedy. I don't know what's worse: that your plan resulted in you being so socially inept you literally talk to yourself for Dr. Phil-caliber remedial psychological comfort, or that you were just as unfunny in kindergarten as you are now. Either way, please see my commentary from note to self #73 regarding how you will die alone in a blanket of my urine. Idiot.

note to self #75: please fire olivia munn

Oh, jack kelly, if this isn't the post-it note calling the coward yellow! Why are you picking on Olivia Munn, and why are you tossing in Dat Phan, almost as an afterthought? Obviously Dat Phan is only ever an afterthought, but still, it's the principle of the matter. As for Olivia Munn, how dare you insinuate she is less humorous and has less personality than a comically-mistranslated fortune cookie? She's up there in one of the US's leading comedy venues, seen around the world, and is thus literally the face of Asian comedy for many people. That stature's gotta count for something, I mean, she wouldn't be up there in such a prominent perch if she wasn't talented, just ask Jimmy Fallon. Sure it's a lot of pressure up there, and yes, her other show fared just as predictably horrifically as Osama bin Laden in a staring contest with a bullet, and yes, she was just as devoid of personality and humor on the previous show she sputtered on for years with no signs of improvement--a triple-digit cable show that could actually get away with the only means of endearing Olivia Munn to its (admittedly simple and niche) audience, which is to say, putting her in lewd situations. But come on, if those two shows prove anything, it's that even if Olivia Munn is a mediocre actor, she's an even worse comedic actor who will strive till her dying breath not to improve--that's dedication.

Yes, there are incredibly talented Asian, female, and Asian-female actors out there who would kill for the opportunity Olivia Munn is presently taking a steaming turd on, and yes, Olivia Munn is not only reinforcing stereotypes about women being unfunny, but at least I forgot where I was going with this. Oh, right--Olivia Munn is painfully unfunny and is not only depriving more qualified individuals of mainstream opportunity, true, but she's also denying the audience of a good show, and she is single-handedly making The Daily Show, by now a full-blown comedic institution, worse off for suffering her presence. But The Daily Show, as a prestigious mainstream venue, owes it to its audience and--quite frankly to the world at large--to feature a great variety of performers and talents, so they should be commended for their commitment to diversity in hiring a token unfunny person.

If one thing is clear, it's that Olivia Munn's working on The Daily Show will surely inspire legions of young, female Asian girls to aspire to be as monotone and cringe-inducingly awful as her for years to come, be they clad in plunging necklines and gobbling hot dogs while men hoot and holler, or be they wearing pantsuits and butchering lines while men wonder how she got on The Daily Show after being known solely for being clad in plunging necklines and gobbling hot dogs.

In any case, jack kelly, I will say this: if I wanted to see a humorless minority attempt to mask a void of personality with poor attempts at comedy, I'd stare at me all day.


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