MTGinktober tortures us into Day 11, "Cruel," starring Spike, Tournament Grinder missing like there's no tomorrow (for you)!
This was a really fun (er...therapeutic?) one, and I mighta went overboard. I'm trying to keep these a little more manageable, but there were just too many things to cover inspired by this prompt.
Fun Facts: This image captures a ton of things I personally find grueling as a player and as a person. First, I hate the trend of people beginning every sentence with the word "so." Just skip it! You don't have to say it! My gosh. It accomplishes nothing. You don't need to preface your speech with a tacit request for permission to speak, especially when we are flat-out waiting to hear you speak, my dear opponent. And don't get me started on people who (unironically) subscribe to linguistic fads--they are neither sick, tight, nor rufus!
Next is the "
Still Had All Deez" player who has to show you how much they can overkill you, as if it weren't bad enough they beat you in the first place. And that's not even mentioning the utter jank they beat you with! But more on the cards themselves in the Easter Eggs section. I also hate when players use those stupid, useless, tiny, dinky dice that come in those 3x3x97 mini-dice towers! Use real dice for your life if you must, but ideally just use a lifepad like a decent human being so we can both cross-reference each other and retrace our history in case of dispute.
Even further, man, oh, man, do I hate when a player is in range of getting burned out, but they just refuse to die, meanwhile they comeback and ultimately win. Spike here is so ridiculously dead to like, ANY topdeck burn or direct damage or if you ever have one more creature than her on board, you name it, but of course you never seem to draw that last crucial, meager closer--you've got like 20 outs in your deck and yet you're straight John Avoning it turn after turn while your opponent claws back through sheer dumb luck. Fun fun fun.
Another thing I can't stand is opponents using these stupid, hideous, indecipherable "extra bling" cards, especially when I'm playing something original and basically budget. It's not bad enough that they netdeck and buy everything online rather than incrementally build their collection over Drafts and stuff, but they also have to go for the garish,
special, special editions like these whacked-out Masterpieces. Just beat me with the regular $50 card, please.
And then, while this is more a personal thing, I hate the trend of stupid, lazy tattoos. I don't really like tattoos in general, but the especially meaningless, nothing ones are super annoying. You're committing a drawing to your body forever and it's as deep and meaningful as random fractals or whatever? See also uninspired died hair, particularly those bland streak deals...it's so cliche at this point, how is that still considered stylish?
I also have to mention, the smugness of blue players is atrocious enough, but then when you
lose to them? Put me out of my misery, please. Like, dude, enough with the counters and card draw, can you just play something so we can actually have some back-and-forth rather than just an elaborate game of mutual solitaire? And you have in the meantime, and the most infuriating part of this whole thing--not only is your opponent playing (overly-tightly stacked!) lands-in-freaking-front, she's also playing cards UPSIDE DOWN!! How absolutely more insulting and condescending can you get to your opponent? Well, she could always tap 45 degrees counterclockwise. Oh good, she is. Perfect.
Some sunshine, though--I don't have a problem with mismatched cards, and I actually hate how people hate on mismatched cards! I myself like to singleton my basic lands as much as possible, in fact, because I like seeing all my favorite lands, as that little consolation can help keep your spirits up during a flood. Additionally, playmats can be quite helpful, but also absolutely terrible, such as the kind here with the raised edges! I can't tell you how frustrating it is to have to move cards around on this style of mat when you're getting cards jammed on the ridges while lining up cards in combat.
Ah. It was kind of pleasant venting like that, cramming all these things I can't stand in one blood-boiling image.
Easter Eggs: The cards in hand are
Cruel Ultimatum (
Archenemy: Nicol Bolas) in front,
From the Vault: 20 at center (shout out to the frustrating, tournament-disqualifying curling that FTVs are infamous for), and
Shards of Alara in the back. Please note that while I adore and respect Todd Lockwood, I really can't stand this really wacky dragon-slap art, and I definitely can't stand Ralph Horsley's original, gnarlier version.
The poster in the back is from that extremely cheesy and goofy "
Here I Rule" campaign, which we've discussed
already. Down on the board, starting on the left, stuck in exile (which is frustratingly just tucked under the graveyard, though thankfully it's at least tapped to murkily differentiate the overlapped zones) is
Spell Pierce (
Amonkhet Invocation, natch). In the grave is the Jace (
yuck enough already, I know)
Signature Spellbook Negate.
Continuing on, still left to right, but where the lands should be are
Invocations The Scarab Gobi, which degraded many a game into a horrendously tedious and stupid grind (though it sure was sweet beating them when, say, they're wasting time stubbornly recasting it over and over as you repeatedly kill and swing turn after turn). Spike has the game won with this idiot--note the 4/4 token she has in play. Oh, did you miss it? That's because it's a freaking QUARTER instead of anything vaguely resembling something even quasi-rectangular. Who knows what insane creature (likely of yours) it is, but all that matters is that it's about to kill you.
But, no, that's not good enough, she also just assembled the present Standard
Splinter Twin combo of
Famished Vampire,
Sorcerer's Wand, and
Squire's Devotion. The game is basically over and yet she still has to put the enchantment on top of the artifact rather than the creature. I will say, though, I loved this combo on MTG Arena, but the point is that losing to these hard-lock, uninteractive combos (note she's got two blue sources up--I did forget to include a counter in hand, but just presume it's perfectly tucked behind an Ultimatum, cuz that's plenty tilting, too). I myself have experienced the joy of opening on a perfect hand and winning on turn four with this combo, and it's indeed possible to win on any given turn after you untap with the vampire in play, regardless of what you're opponent's doing, so decks like this are supremely annoying (unless I'm playing them...). But winning two-fold like this is still not good enough for Spike. Cuz why would it?
No, she's also got a
Teferi, Hero of Dominaria Mythic Edition poised to ultimate and stick around after losing the eight loyalty beads! Dive everywhere and yet she uses those stupid beads that feel like nails on chalkboard if they ever hit the table or rub against each other! And of course, she has to use that rage-inducing limited edition Teferi that was an utter a disaster to acquire for people who wanted them, since, as expected, they sold out immediately and are nigh impossible for non-US people to get. That said, Teferi was in my Vampire Wand deck on Arena, since blue-white control is an excellent guild for a Voltron-y, Splinter-Twin-style deck, but what elevates this into an entirely irksome scenario is that these are all in the same incongruous deck as that stupid blue-black Gobi
and the ridiculously heavy-Grixis-colored Ultimatum! So, to sum up, you just lost three times over on board, plus thrice more from tri-Ultimatum in hand, all originating from a four-color nonsense deck.
Closing out the card section, the row closest to us are the useless lands that we ordinarily have basically no need to see moment-to-moment and yet are presented more immediately than the nonland permanents she has that do impact us and that we have to be keenly aware of every single turn. But, we couldn't even just have the courtesy of OG
Ravnica Russian foils, they have to all be those jarring
Zendikar Expeditions--that is,
Steam Vents,
Watery Grave, and
Hallowed Fountain. The frame looks so bizarre to this day, but on top of that, the shockland Masterpices are all of that notably super tangential art direction that only super-approximately depicts what the cardname would indicate.
And now the grand finale: Spike is playing on a stupid,
Indestructible Aura playmat. HAR HAR it's called "Indestructible Aura" but it's neither! BUT THE ART IS SO METAL, MAN!!!! Ugh. Shut up with that. The art is ugly and dumb and shouldn't be in Magic! Enough! I hate how people categorically glorify the original early-era artwork when a
lot of it was just flat-out not
stellar. They were hiring artists straight out of a local art college because they didn't have a lot of money to start out; it's not illegal to admit the art was not real-deal pro-caliber, even for the time and that it has not aged
well. And that doesn't mean the weaker early artists haven't grown into absolutely fantastic artists
today that can school the newer guns! But stop holding all early art as universally snap-better than modern Magic art (and don't take that as all modern art is snap-better itself--this MTGinktober is a salute to some of the worst in Playstation-1-style modern Magic art).
Sigh. Ok. Done. Breathe...just breathe...it's over now.
Not normal,
Reuxben
