Friday, November 19, 2010


I made a lot of mistakes.

Chief among my innumerable regrets and shortcomings is not being able to open up to people in a more meaningful or even in a merely more direct way. There are so many people I know only in passing, but I'm too wrapped up in my mind to hazard any further.

One Friday morning I was literally in line at Commons next to someone I've wanted so badly to talk to, someone I respect so much, but I couldn't get myself to even formulate a greeting. This after we had just spent a good ten minutes in that same small foyer waiting for Commons to open. This after being two of the few (the proud) Friday Morning Commonsers all year. It kills me to this day because even in that moment, as I was swiping in to breakfast, I was thinking,

Wow, this is senior year and I'm probably never leaving California again, let alone ever returning to the east coast, and I am choosing to let this moment pass unpursued. Wow.

All things grow.

I've never been too crazy about small talk, but I remember it was around fifth grade that expending serious effort to chitchat became beyond me. But now, some 12 years later, have I improved? Sorta. Maybe not.

In some ways Yale was the best part of my life. In other ways, it was such a monumentally blown opportunity. I avoided eating at JE because I always felt like such a fool going there, so it was kinda funny when I learned from some Yale archives one night that JE students were not originally called spiders, but "Jesters."

Anyway, I wish I could apologize to everyone who must have felt slighted by my reticence. I wish I could draw everyone a picture. I wish I could just stop wishing. But I probably won't.



No comments: